Earl...

Today was a shit day.  This morning a dear friend passed away.. cause is still unofficial but it is speculated that it was some sort of embolism on his artery.  Paramedics arrived after his mom found him not breathing (he was feeling ill and went to bed taking some medication that might help and she went to check on him).  The paramedics performed CPR but he was bleeding out and that just made it worse...

He would be 25 on Sunday, September 8th.

He was one of the few legitimate URLs that trafficked my blog.

He was funny.  He was a fool.  He was a romantic.  He was a dreamer.  He was a young man of simple pursuits.

He floated around life for a while, unsure of his future and not knowing what to be when he grew up.  He was less than 25 years of age but had the soul of an old and sometimes wise man.  The tragic part is that he was just starting to get his life in some order.  He found a job he actually enjoyed.  He found a lovely woman to devote his love.  He was getting onto his feet.  And by dumb, fucking luck he couldn't wake up this morning.

I've spent a lot of the day crying.  Being sad that this person no longer exists.

He was a good man.  He deserved a good life.  He did good things.  He was kind and sweet and thoughtful and goofy and foolish and smart and clever.

Earl, I wish I could build you a longship... give you a proper Viking send off... One that you deserve... Maybe have some Dubliners playing... Endless kegs of beer and some Irish coffee to end the evening... 

I will miss you.

Love,
Moe

may the fourth be with you... and other things...

other things:

loving being off work...
i am getting so much accomplished at home that i never had time to do when i first moved into this house.
i am not sure i am even ready to work yet, but i am going to take the summer off and see how it goes.  i might end up being too bored to stay home and will need to find something right away.  
i was also thinking about starting a doggy day care.  people spend exorbitant amounts of money on their pets and it could be something really fun.  i love being home with my doggies all day.  would i like 20 of them?  maybe!?

and in other world news...
my niece is graduating high school this year.  i just can't believe it.  it makes me feel a bit old, tbh...  but what makes me more sad is that syn isn't here to see it.  ugh.  will not dwell!
there isn't much else going on... if i itemized all the things that kept me busy it would actually make me crazy... like how long it takes me to sort through one room!... that's insanity.  at least it's mostly done and i will be able to enjoy my summer without too much worry that i am neglecting things.

and here is a picture of my puppy who is 11 months old today

mmm pi

have a wonderfully rounded, well-balanced and flavourful pi day...

FINALLY!!

So that package I've been waiting for has finally arrived!
After almost 14 years at my place of employment I got laid off.  And I am SO VERY happy!!
Words cannot express how I feel right now other than....
OMGWTFBBQTHISISSOAWESOME!
IMGOINGTOEXPLODEWITHGLEE!
IWILLFARTGLITTERFORAWEEK!
Seriously, I am extremely happy.  I didn't stop smiling until I went sleep and then I slept like the dead... zzzzzzzz
I dunno what I'm gunna do right now except take some much needed time off and then I'll see what happens and what I wanna do... Until then... PJ Party!
 

happy valentine's day...

hmmm, im not bitter about valentine's day.  i think there are worse things we can spend our time on than trying to show someone we care about them.  however on the drive to work this morning i recalled memories from childhood.  primarily elementary school valentine's day traditions.  making the bright red giant envelopes for the front of your desks in school to collect all the valentine's you will get from your classmates.  the anticipation of what might be there after all the cards and tokens were delivered over lunch hour.  and then i realized, with horrifying clarity, how this tradition thus perpetuated the caste society we were later to encounter in high school... all the pretty and popular and beautiful girls and boys receiving the overflowing tokens of "will you be my valentine?" and "would you be mine?"... i was not pretty, popular or beautiful.  i was awkward and strange and quite ugly... i remember watching them (i'm sure my imagination is being melodramatic in some ways) and seeing the air about them change and soaking in the attention.  who wouldn't?  i am not really going anywhere with this post.  i am just recounting these weird childhood flashbacks.  how strange life is.  how bizarre our culture is.  and how young we begin this torturous journey.

observations...

...confirmed and reconfirmed facts and other noteworthy things in the last few days:

• i prefer arial font over times new roman now
• the sound of high heels clopping on marble tiled floors is still like nails on a chalkboard to me
• coffee tastes better when someone else makes it
• no matter how hard i try i can't "not care" about my work
• i love having a short soak in a hot bath at the end of the day
• there is still so much junk mail that arrives in the post
• laundry is still my least favourite chore
• sometimes you just have nothing more to say to someone
• 40 doesn't make me feel different than 39 but it makes others feel different
• more vacation time, please?
• i would wish this flu/cough on my worst enemy
• homemade mac and cheese is one of my greatest comfort foods
• i love how my bulldog tucks herself into my back at nighttime and snuggles close

40 and ... omg, hipster...

milestone

today i turned 40.
haha, saying it sounds weird.
i'm ok with it... but saying it just sounds weird...
i think that if i were unhappy where i was in my life turning 40 wouldn't feel so... natural.  yah, i guess it just feels natural more than anything.
so what's planned for the next decade?
i'm just going to continue to try to get healthy... i owe it to myself to try to be healthier and so i'm on that path right now and the plan is to stay on it...
travel more... scotland, ireland, norwary...
definitely read more...
definitely play more...
don't take work so seriously...
relax and breathe...
meditate more often...
stretch mind and body...
the best possible me i can be, i guess...?
i'll figure it out, maybe...

i wish the mayans were right

unfortunately... we now have to continue to live on this planet.
boo.
and dude...
i'm going to be 40!

when did that happen?

An Unexpected Journey...

I went to see The Hobbit last night.  Although I was dreadfully tired from the day at work I did promise a friend I would go.  I am very, very pleased to report that I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I do think my favourite part was the singing dwarfs.  The Hobbit had the same sort of feeling to it as the LOTR films.  It was rather impressive.  Well done, you!

On another note, it made me truly miss an old friend who used to love singing Irish drinking songs and talking with a thick Scottish accent.  Wherever you are, I hope you are doing well...

holy crap?

I was shopping in the gluten free section the other day and came across this interesting product.  I envisioned a choir of heavenly angels singing whilst someone sat on the loo and...  paid their daily tithe...
I need to get out more...

zero fucks given...

here is maezy

sitting on zoe

zero fucks given

first snowfall... trauma

at 4:30am i went to let my dogs out to do their business.  the weatherman had forecast snow for last night but when i looked out the window to see if it were true i couldn't see any lingering however, the ground was wet... the stairs were wet.  i thought it had just rained.  nope.  my foot hit the top step and i had no chance.  down the stairs i went.  bumbling and bouncing (i think)... pain.  lots of it.

the result:  being treated for a fractured wrist.  my left leg and ankle hurt quite a bit, but i hope this will go away soon.

lesson learned:  move to warmer climate

it's a girl....

i got a new english bulldog puppy

 maezy

i figured i was ready for another addition and zoe really seems to have perked up.  i think she was having some depression issues - missing two companions she had her whole life...

anyway.

maezy is a joyful terror.

always keeping me on my toes - chasing after her and playing with her and basically being human slave to one adorable bulldog.

yeh, i think i'll keep her.
=)

busy as a fish

 i ate some of these after purchasing my own waffle iron.  

it did take a few attempts to get them just right.

worth it.

went here for lunch with some friends.

 

saw these while driving the loop.

  

such beautiful scenery.

 

i had to cover up my age :( so i also did this.

 

then went here a week later to honour my sister.

it's been two years and i miss you everyday, syn...

had a beautiful beach day.

 

and a beautiful beach night.

 

ended up back here...

in the end i felt like this...

so yes... days off proved to be restful... enjoyable... lovely.

i do require more...

D'awwww

So... 10 days off!  Rawr.
I'm going to do ... not a hell of a lot.
Watch some movies... Play some games... I might sort out my office (finally!!  4 months after moving in)... Meditate... Do some cooking :)... Some leisurely shopping...
I need time to sleep in and relax.... Recover and rejuvenate...
I've been looking forward to this for many weeks.
*happy dance*

Extracurricular Activities!

In addition to SWTOR... (I am Sith, hear me roar...) I have been waiting, with baited breath, for Diablo III to come out.  I played open beta and was skweeing the entire time.  I only had time to dabble in sorcery and witchcraft (I played a wizard and a witch doctor) and completed Chapter 1 with those characters.  I have to say the witch doctor grew on me... (there's an app for that)  I cannot wait until May 15!!  I just hope that it is designed similarly to TOR where you can select different regions to play.  In TOR I have characters on EU realms as well as Pacific realms.  But this is Blizzard I'm speaking of and well... let's just say they're not too thoughtful with these things.  Why offer all regions when you can just make people pay for 2 copies of the game?... Cha-ching.

Ok, so Diablo III... I also have MoP beta for WoW... So.  The pandas are cute and all.  The animations adorable and let's face it, who doesn't like the look of cute and curvy characters?!  In the end.  It's still WoW.  "Fetch me 73 wombat hides and 441 bat eyes.  And while you're out there please get me JUST ONE DAMN GORETUSK LIVER!!?!?"  Worst drop-rate in the world... *facedesk*  So, I am not sure I will continue my subscription after the whole 1 year handcuffs fall off.  I'll be subbing on Diablo and TOR... I'll have to see.  Don't get me wrong.  I loved WoW when I played it!  But then it just lost it's luster after 5 years... :)

As well... I got a new iPad.  Yeh yeh... Kool-aid drinker.  But it's so much fun.  I never played a lot of games on my iPod and I don't have (nor want) an iPhone, but the iPad just makes the games much more fun.  I have been addicted 2 apps:  Draw Something and Trolls and Towers.

With all this game-playing you'd think I wouldn't have time for a life.  But, if you can believe it, I do.  DnD has been going wonderfully awesome.  My druid corruption level: AWESOME.  She's feeling a bit lost and confused and isn't sure where she is going to be going with this whole thing.  She sort of likes feeling the uncontrollable power behind the corruption, not to mention... HELLO!  She's become the FerryWoman!  Opening a portal into the world of the undead has it's advantages.  The whole gaggle of goonies seem to have become incredibly powerful and I have so much fun playing.

I went to see The Avengers on Saturday @ the IMAX.  Holy nerdgasm.  Joss Whedon is a god.  All I can say is... GO SEE IT!

This summer grass needs to magically appear in my back and front yards... a fence needs to be built on the side that I have a neighbour and a dog run needs to be put somewhere.  If only I could get the crew from my Sith starship to put it all together for me.  Oh "Real Life"... Why must you happen?...   Being an adult sucks.

May The Fourth Be With You...

I've been playing a lot of Star Wars: The Old Republic lately...

The Imperials are so misunderstood... <3

very much under construction...

where to even begin...

let's just say it's been a most interesting year filled with a few highs and many lows.

i'm just right about sick of death, to be perfectly honest. seriously, enough.

after 6 months sabbatical from work i return to the same cycle of bullshit but add another hurricane of vomit! hooray? by november i had about enough. physical manifestations of stress appeared and i needed to really sit and re-evaluate. i came back to work with a whole different perspective. my whole view had shifted. i came back thinking "this isn't going to get to me anymore!" "i got the this!"... and i did, but i found myself slipping back into my old routines and attitudes. november scared me. it made me see how easy it is to just allow all that stuff that doesn't really matter at work to just consume you. you'd think it would have been imbedded after i found out the company didn't fall apart while i was on my sabbatical. wasn't it i who was single-handedly holding the place together??? newp. heh. november scared me and it also made me realize that to keep my new-found perspective i had to really work at it! imagine that. so i did. by mid-december, when clarity hit, i started my own work to rule campaign. in @ 7 and left at 4. at lunch i do absolutely no work. i read and relax and sometimes even catnap. and it's a struggle. to not just work through lunch because things need to get done. but i'm doing it. so that makes me happy at least. through the shitstorm i have found some way to cope and handle it.

in the summer of last year a new house purchase sort of began out of a curiosity as well as a possible need. so february found me moved into a new house. much bigger :| and more expensive :| but i think it's a good investment. phase 1 of a new neighbourhood of similarily priced homes and in a smaller community. i love the new house. the kitchen is amazing. my bathtub in the ensuite is my haven. but moving is so much work. remind me to never do it again, mmmkay?

the summer also saw me and my niece take a trip out west to vancouver island. it was a place where her and her mum and i spent one easter vacation. i wanted to take some of syn out there to long beach... a place that whenever i think about it, i always think of her. k took her to a special spot near cathedral grove... it was actually a lovely pilgrimage. the time i spend with k is always special, but this year was different. we had a bit of a mission, but i think it also might have been the last time she spends a a couple weeks with me every summer. she's getting to be such a young adult... that makes me sad and yet i'm very proud of who she has become. go team syn!

oh, but i have registered for university!

i'm trying to remain on a good path with a positive outlook. it's difficult. admittedly so. but i don't think entirely impossible to strive for that. the old 80/20 rule might be closer to 60/40 right now... heh. i'm a work in progress.

Miss Mox...

Mox... Miss Mox... Boxie Moxie... Moxercise... Moxxles... Sloot... Little Houdini... Moxie...

R.I.P. Moxie
July 1, 1997 - July 6, 2011

Moxie was a part of my life since she was 5 weeks old. Today I had to let her go. Her overall health was getting poor (although she was still very spry and agile) but her mental health was fast deteriorating.
She was a brilliant cat, really.
A master escape artist who once ATE A DOOR...
She was a high flying acrobat.
Leader of the pack in the house.
Destroyer of $300 jeans.
She once ate an entire plate of barbequed hamburgers.
She killed a bumblebee the size of my big toe and displayed it for me conveniently on the stairway out of my basement room when I lived with my cousin.
She loved to sit in any kind of box and chill out.
She loved to lick plastic bags and usually @ 2am.
She once killed a swallow which her doggy sister Pheebs promptly ate and then promptly vomited back up again in front of a room of guests at a summer barbeque.
She moved along with me to California during my restless years (she was a part of the "everything I own" - which was a hockey bag of clothes and assorted items, a suitcase and my cat & her kennel).

There is no way to sum up fourteen years worth of memories. But I will never forget the day she picked me out at the SPCA. A room full of cats and people - all wide-eyed... THE QUESTION running over everyone's faces: "Which one am I going to take home?" I didn't have to make it. I walked through the room, peered in every kennel and cage, and as I approached her cage filled with her and 5 kittens she started to meow at me. She climbd and pulled herself up onto the wire of the cage and meowed her very... unique... meow. SHE picked ME. It was really a no-brainer.

I will miss you Mox... Give 'em hell up there!

<3 Mumma

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have.

my hometown is on fire

...well, technically there are still hotspots remaining in the ashes of the 40% that was burned to the ground this week...

this link will show you more...

my afternoon

it was a beautiful 16C outside this afternoon and i chose to spend it inside a movie theatre :)

the movie was well done to be quite honest. and i am not just saying that because "thor" has a body upon which you just want to lick off warm chocolate sauce and whipped cream. oh, no. it was quite well done.

and please, don't trick yourself into thinking this movie would be better in 3D. it's only in 3D just because it can be in 3D.

seriously people, stop drinking the damn kool-aid.

May the 4th Be With You...

feeling inspired to make something

so i decided on "blueberry bannock"
so noms!

dreaming

last night i dreamed of my sister. since july i've had 3 dreams where she is present.

in the first dream i was at work running around from office to office trying to get some important things done and her and my grandmother (the one my family was closest to) were following me around waiting for me to be done so we could leave. they were eating ice cream and being very patient. i don't know where we were going, but somehow, when i woke up, i knew they were together and that gave me comfort. to be perfectly honest, i don't believe in heaven or hell. eternal salvation or eternal damnation is a savage concept in my mind. i truly believe that if there is a heaven, only dogs belong there.

in the second dream i was at her house and she was on her couch in her jammers and i remember only us talking. but it was still rather nice.

last night's dream was weird. i dreamed she 'came back to life'. but not in the zombie apocalypse way. what happened was i received an email from a hospital telling me that she was ready to be released. this was my "second notice", as it were. i was reviewing the police report and also the coroner's report and her medical records. it turned out, in my dream, when they arrived with her to the hospital after the car accident she was presumed dead. they were all ready to send her to the morgue but she started showing signs of life and they transferred her to a hospital in a city far away from her home. she was in a coma. no one notified us that she went to the hospital and we continued to set out arrangements for her funeral and it went planned as usual. i was going over her papers while in a church at a family wedding and i was thinking it was very odd that no one notified us and i was very angry but at the same time i was so elated that i had my sister back! i couldn't be angry for long and then i would focus on having her back and be so ecstatic with that and the anger would lift. i also kept thinking "oh my god, who's ashes do we have???" because that was really freaky. since everything she owned we donated to family or charities it was decided she would come live with me. i couldn't be happier. now, i don't know what that means on a psychological level. to be truthful, i don't think it means entirely too much. i don't believe in the hocus pocus of dream analysis. i think that our dreams are made up as an unedited stream of consciousness that weaves through our recent and and perhaps deep-seeded thoughts. but i do remember one thing very, very clearly. i didn't want to wake up. i just wanted my sister back.

i've come to accept that she is "gone". i'll never see her again, and although that hurts like a punch in the face and burns my heart like a white-hot branding iron, i know that the imprint she has left on my life is bigger and stronger and more wonderful than any of the pain that comes with losing her. i accept losing her easier on the days when that wonderful feeling actually does outweigh the pain. and yah, time is beginning to heal the gaping wound on my heart in very small ways. but that dream reminded me how far i still need to go in order to wake up with a smile after i dream of her and not tears.

*sigh*

My Pheebs...

Last night... on Xmas Eve... I rushed my dog, Pheebs, to the animal hospital as she couldn't walk and was in some obvious stress... An hour and a half later I came home without her... Not so shocked and yet still shocked. She died from hemangiosarcoma that was formed around her heart and started bleeding out. There were no signs, no warnings... Just the knowledge that her brother died in October from the same form of cancer, but this was on his spleen and he lived for 2 months after his diagnosis. I didn't have that luxury. I couldn't bring her home and spoil her silly for the rest of her short life. I couldn't throw the ball around with her one last time. Or cuddle with her on the couch. Give her handfuls of treats. Give her too many kisses. I held her in my arms and told her over and over and over what a good doggies she is... How Mummy loved her so so much... Gave her neck scratches and kissed her goodbye as she went still... *sigh*

Her sister Zoe has been looking for her, waiting for her, watching the door for her, checking all the floors in the house for her... It breaks my heart.

She leaned on her so much and they were best friends.

I love you forever my ginger girl... xoxoxo ..my Nugget

Phoebe
March 5, 2001 - December 24, 2010

Climbing...?

I've let my life spiral. Winding down and down and down. I've dug a hole a foot wide and a mile deep and I'm staring up at nothing but a pinhole. It's time I climb out.

Thinking "positively" seems so foreign to me now. Not that I was ever really the cheer-leading type. But I am human and my candy-coated exterior is not candy. It is a hardened shell of cynicism and I am smothered with it. Reality abides.

I know am allowed to exist as I have made myself but I also have tasted the poisoned kool-aid of my negative thoughts. I am not blinded to the harshness of "it all" so when beauty emerges it is bright and beautiful and impossible to miss. I am just hoping that injecting more positive thoughts into my mind I will be able to lift the veil that has muted these bright and beautiful moments.

...

it has been 2 months today since my sister died. my whole world feels different. very much altered. i feel different inside and i really try not to think about it. right now, thinking about those things leads me down a very slippery slope. i knew that mourning is a very different experience when you lose someone. each person's loss has some significance than the last person's. when my grandmother died (my father's mother) in 1995 that was my first experience with death. it was new and it was painful and it wasn't easy to understand. her death was expected. she had been sick for a while but the impact it had was still so surprising. i lost my last grandparent in june 2010 (a month before my sister) and although i cared very little for this man (my mother's father) that was called my grandfather i still felt a tremendous loss. the last of the older generation in my family was gone. and that left a hole in my life that is difficult to explain. i never liked the man, he was mean and rude and a horrible person but he fathered 10 children... who in turn had 36 grandchildren... who in turn had 43 great grandchildren... who in turn had 11 great great grandchildren... that's a huge legacy to leave behind... anyway, his death was sad to me for different reasons other than losing someone of great importance to me (that may sound harsh, but it is the truth)... he left behind a sense that something more than a life was lost... that all 4 of my grandparents stood as pillars of some sort and those were now no longer standing. my first grandmother's death changed my family forever. she was the glue that kept everyone together, the whip that kept everyone in line and the source of all that made us 'family'.
i'm rambling... ugh. and i know none of this probably any sense. they're just thoughts connected by a very fine thread of consistency.
with syn dying... it's losing something more to me than i ever thought possible. my shared childhood is now just my childhood. she understood what it was like to be in my family. she understood things no one else could possibly understand. she was my 'buffer'. she had to deal with my parents on a daily basis - something i haven't had to do in almost 20 years. she was reporting on the front line of their daily life where i got the highlight reel once a week. she made my life easier in ways i didn't even know. just a look of understanding. a raised eyebrow. a cynical laugh. a childish giggle. she knew. we weren't much as sisters growing up. we honestly fought sometimes with the intent of taking the other to the brink of death (or severe dismemberment). we were night and day when it comes to most of our personality traits. but as we got older (and to be honest, when she got clean and sober) our relationship changed dramatically. seeing each other through clear eyes we saw our similarities and were able to put aside our differences if not even embrace them. we had a rocky, bumpy, scary road for many years but we reached the junction where things turned smooth and we were able to enjoy each other as people... as sisters. and dammit... these short years were not enough for us. i miss her so much... and that doesn't even do it justice. i ache all over because she is gone. my past and my future is blurred... i mourn for the time we will NOT have together. and god... her daughter... my niece. i can't think about the loss because that would send me over the edge right now..............
there is this syn shaped hole in my life. and i know i can't fill it with anything, i just have to figure out how to maneuver around it, move with it...
damnit...

R.I.P. My Siser...

My sister died in a car accident on Tuesday morning...
There are no words to describe the feeling inside my heart at this moment. There is no way that anyone can tell me that this feeling will become any less right now. I miss her with an ache that can't be soothed... I understand that grief is a selfish thing and I'm ok with being selfish for now...

Love you to the moon and back...

the dice are trying to kill me...

every third saturday i have a standing dungeons and dragons date for uber nerdgasm action!

yes, old school (well, v4) dungeons and dragons campaign - the books, the rules, the maps, the character sheets and yes...
THE DICE...

so... 7 brave adventurers set forth to conquer a world of unknown magicks and mysteries...
i play a level 6 (almost level 7) eladrin druid... my party consists of a warlock, a goliath, a cleric, a thief, a mage and a warlord... some are hybrid classes but that's the basic party make-up.

here is a pic of one of our encounters on saturday... we haxx awesome ambush!

(my miniature is the watermelon wielding turtle!! --inside joke--)
sorry about crap quality, the pic was taken with my blackberry

i am known to be the person who makes the worst rolls... some days i can't roll over a 10!!! which suuuuucks... so on saturday i wore my new t-shirt that says "the dice are trying to kill me"... i think it might be my lucky charm because the failhawk actually managed to land some awesome shots along with my chill wind and summoned wolverine!!

oh oh oh -- to be a nerd of huge proportions takes a lot of skill, people...
and i haxx mad skillzzzz!