i dont care... i know that i am...
:)
i am well aware of the fact that i am a Fat Girl (tm).
i am not this way from an uncontrollable urge to raid the pantry until all stock is gone and there's nothing left but empty boxes and a can of yellow beans. i am not this way b/c i lack the physical prowess to excercise or move around. i am not this way b/c i don't take care of myself or don't care what i look like. i am this way. i have been this way my entire life. when i was three years old i was the same size as my sister who is two years older than i am. by the time i was in the first grade i was larger than she was and have been ever since.
i was teased and tormented all throughout school. my tormentors were always ones that managed to overstate the obvious. like "hey, you're fat". wow. blisteringly intelligent, isn't it? seriously, did you really think that i didn't know? i already knew. i had a mirror. i could see for myself. the response to this was usually followed by a "yes, i am".
even as a very insecure teenager, who thought she was ugly and *KNEW* she was fat, i usually managed to keep the composure and cool that i lacked in elementary school. you see, elementary school was more the Hulk version of me. "hey, you're fat" was met by HULK SMASH. i fought my way though grades 1-6. mostly against, we were to discover later, the althletic, jocular, a-crowd people. i grew up like 'a boy name sue' (thank you Johnny Cash).
now, in light of the cruelty that is the elementary school playground, where kids learn who's tough, who's weak, who's geeky, who's freaky, i found myself sometimes torn. i was a tough chick, even from the time i was in first grade. [c'mon, i had a sister that hated me and attempted to kill me at every opportunity, i had to learn how to fight.] but i found myself, with this great toughness either a bully myself or a defender of the underdog. it was a chameleon's role for me. i didn't know sometimes whether i was a good guy or a bad guy. my defense almost was bully-ish. but it taught me one thing. to always and forever stand up for myself.
i was a reader too. ok, not exactly a stellar combination when dealing with elementary school kids, but it proved to be my benefit in years to come. i read like someone possessed. ok, @ age 8 im not talking about Thoreau or Shakespeare or Kafka... but i tore through the library reading anything i could and in doing so had a lot of early lessons on the social conscience of the average 5th grader. i never fit into the athletic world although i was a great athlete in baseball, figure skating, hockey, i bmx'd with the kids on my block, swam all summer long (yes, i was still fat)... at any rate by the time i was in 4th grade i knew that if i wasn't going to be accepted or popular or athletic or whatever, i would have to be smart. which isnt' exactly a consolation prize, according to Judy Blume!
still fat and very smart.
then came... dun dun dunnnnn... The Teenage Years...
"hey fatty! why don't you lose some weight!"
"aren't you a clever person?"
"shut up fatty!"
"a genuine mark of intelligence. someone, inform nasa!"
"you're a geek and you're fat!"
"wow, you must suffer from a severe inferiority complex"
*blank*
[scenes from an 8th grade english class]
ahhhh... my nemesis... a little red-haired wonder. possibly one of the least intelligent people i knew back in those days. AND, Freudianly why, i now have a weakness for red-heads. yes yes. i know. bed the one that caused you such torment and you win. (or at least their likeness) been there, done that. meh. so anway, back to the one-celled-wonder et al. his gang of lemmings would pursue any opportunity to mock whom they would consider less fortunate, subordinate, whathaveyou. im sure this was just as true in your school as it was in mine. countries, languages & cultures differ, but children do not. the root of all evil can be found in junior high schools across the world my blog readers. oh yes. i have seen satan and he looks hideous in gym shorts. i guess i never understood what is behind the idea of "mob mentality". i have been raised to be a free-thinker, to decide for myself if something that i am doing or witnessing is indeed right for me and from that assessment to make my own decision on my own actions. but these kids played "follow the leader" with such precision. tormenting, geeks, freaks, fatties, skinnies, poor, awkward. those they felt were the weakest in the herd. now, i don't want to get all John Hughes on you, but this never ends. this never tires. this never dies. there will always be the Duckies, the Amanda Joneses, the Blaines, the Samanthas, the Wattses, the Duncans... etc... they are now names that are spelled more cleverly and make it much more difficult to find those mini-personalized license plates.
ok, woe to us...
i have to, in hind sight (and proudly, ZERO therapy), thank these people for their unkind words. their teasing and tormenting to compensate for their own insecurities forced me to take a long hard look at the person i was.
fat; geek; smart; funny; witty; fearless; insecure; determined... etc
now -- how to come to accept these things as a whole. this takes, in my opinion, a huge amount of time. a huge amount of space. a huge amount of determination. the things that involve the mind, that, as far as i can see, are the easiest to deal with. some can almost be measured. but to accept the physical and make that "ok in the mind" is another thing. THIS takes years of self-discovery, constructions, destruction, reconstruction and finally... a hope...
i am fat. i don't mind that word. it is what i am. it is also a reclamation of that word for people who are also fat. to not be ashamed of what it is that they are and what they look like. beauty is in many forms.
but it hasn't been every day that i can say that. not every day have i felt that 'hey, its OK to be fat'. not just b/c i AM, but b/c i really believe it. it took many years to come to terms with who i was in this body. and damn it. im beautiful. you might not think so, he might not think so, she might not think so, and maybe some days i dont even think so, but its true. i am beautiful. and not just in being fat. bbw. big beautiful woman. curse words to the sad insecure souls, but powerful words to the women that embrace and embody the pride that is beyond convention and think progressively and positively about being larger, full-figured, plus-sized... FAT.
there are many women out there that lack the confidence to stand up for themselves, even as ADULTS, in a world that still mocks and depreciates the value of a human being based on their weight. to those women who hide in the shadows and whose spirit is broken. i will say that you are beautiful - whoever it is that you are. and if you cannot fight for yourself at this moment, i will fight for you until you can. we are not weak, we are not a burden, we are not ashamed to be ourselves. we are confident, sexy, smart, successful, empowered and proud.
we are Fat Girls(tm)! hear us roar!
