Thursday, October 04, 2007

it's been ages...

i just haven't had much to say in the way of blogging lately.
i wonder what has been going through my head and what has kept me away from this thing. i could blame other things and pretend i have been incredibly busy... but i seriously have been up to nothing terribly exciting.
i've spent time here and there... but i think i've been in a funk of some sorts...
i know most of my emotions are kept hidden. but since no one reads this thing anymore, anyway, i may as well spew...
my parents, after 35+ years of marriage, are going through the process of a divorce right now. although i wish they were both willing to get through this and not toss away 35+ years of marriage, i also am hoping that they don't toss away any more years of unhappiness they seem to have when with one another.
i think i may have talked about my mum before. i'm not entirely sure. but she is a very confused person. for many years of my life she has been medicated. so many pills with so many names i just can't even remember. i wasn't entirely conscious of my mother's medication until i was in my late teens. i don't really understand the purpose of medication, i just know it makes people give the illusion of functionality. and i never knew how incompetent my mum's decision making abilities were until i was well into my 2o's. i always thought she was full of confidence and direction but that was only when it came to telling me what to do or what was wrong with me. believe me, if you knew any of what i went through growing up with her it might be a bit of a shock to see that i'm a semi-functioning adult. in coming to grips, over the years, that my parents are indeed people and not just my parents; that they make mistakes and have feelings and doubts and fears and flaws, i have also come to grips with the reality that my relationship with them has forever changed.
in doing this it has been my luxury and my misfortune to say and express to them my opinions on a lot of different matters, including my relationship with each of them. i know i can be blunt, forceful, logical, unemotional and unrelenting. this isn't always conducive to my mother's medicated condition.
believe me, there is more history and way more detail than i am willing involve, but i am not entirely evil or callous in my communication with either of them. i try to speak gently and understandingly but also with as much honesty as i can... it isn't all bad.
but what has been happening recently is the result of me being tired of my mother treating me like a second class member of our family. for the first time in my adult relationship with my mother i stopped dead and dug my heels in. refusing to be a sounding board or a dumping ground anymore. i told her that its time she get off her fucking medication, grow up, stop being selfish and to FINALLY act like a mother because she certainly hadn't been acting like one...
this happened in june...
i haven't spoken to her since...

/pity party