Send this to 5,477 people in your mailing list...

...or suffer from a scorching case of herpes, leprosy, dandruff and deadly gingivitis.

Have you ever received one of those emails? You know. The kind where someone had tea with the Dalai Lama, was given super-human advice on how to treat their fellow man/woman and then told to put it into a .pps presentation or lowly email-forward and send it around the globe 29 times? The email that tells you, at the end, of all the tragic and violent ways in which you will suffer if you don't hit "Forward" and send it to as many people as you can. Or, how about the ones that enclose a touching story of human kindness. The time when Timmy was trapped in a well? The touching story of how someone did something very nice for someone else and in turn taught someone else how to be very nice to someone else and how that very nice thing was seen by someone else who did something for someone… You get my point. Now, if you choose not to forward that email to EVERYONE in your address book then you're cruel, heartless, mean, and just plain Evil ™.

A couple things People ™… STOP the madness. Do you *really* think that, when walking home after a long/hard day @ work and you get hit by a bus that it was because you didn’t send out that cookie-dough recipe that was forwarded to you? That the email TRULY predicted your fate because you chose not to inundate your contact list with the same garbage that you received? Mmmmok, just think about it for one moment. Is your inbox clairvoyant?? And to all those people who lecture on about the virtues of humankind @ the bottom of these "heart-wrenching" emails I have this to say: SOD OFF! Do NOT sit there and presume to think b/c *I* choose not forward something that could possibly have touched my tiny black heart that it speaks ANYTHING of my character. It made you feel good, it made you think, it made you smile, it made you cry, it made you want to do something good for the world. Great. I'm happy for you. BUT. Do not send me it with those idiotic addendums! I don't need to be told when to be "nice" or when to "care". Furthermore, how to care, what to care for or how heartless I am if I don’t send out the email ("including the person that sent it to you") - an email People ™. You do not know what I think or what I do and by telling me that I am cruel or that my non-actions will "leave the world a little bit colder in the process". And why, above ANYTHING would you wish hexes upon the those that you would send this stuff to. Guaranteed, when you send me shit like that, I NEVER send it out, back, up, down, whatever. The bad luck stops here. I am the heartless bish that clicks "DELETE"!

Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice tear-jerker email as much as the next person, but when you attach conditions to something like that it just cheapens the message. Be gone SPAM! Go back to the blackest depths of the junk mail folder from whence ye came! Believe me, I'm not ranting because I feel guilty about not sending out such emails with such *subtle* messages added (insert sarcasm). Nothing could be further from the truth. I am truly exhausted fending off the Evil Forces of Non-forwarded Emails!!! (again, insert sarcasm) C'mon, just think about what you're sending out to your friends. What a waste! Send the bad karma on to your foes instead!!! Find your ex's email list and send THEM the back luck. Oh, geesh, settle down People ™. I wouldn't wish the fleas of a thousand camels infesting thine armpits if you don’t forward my blog address on to any of your friends.